Oh Absalom the creation of my soul...
Why do you challenge me so?
How did we get to this place where we stand as foes at war...
the battle lines drawn with unmet expectations.
You, my child, are the one I brought forth into this world.
This is not how it should be.
Everyday of your life I wish I could say,
I gave you my best.
But there were days I stood over you in fear...
What if I do this wrong?
What if I make a mistake?
My child is so different,
will anyone even understand him?
Will anyone even care?
For I have done things wrong... so wrong.
And I have made mistakes... plenty.
You know that now
You show that now.
You stand at the gate in judgement and tell of my inadequacies.
And now I feel naked...
exposed to the world.
I so long for them to love you as I do,
to accept you,
even to nurture you and
help you along the way.
I cry out to them, as David did his people...
“Deal gently for my sake
with the young man Absalom.”
And all the people heard...
2 Samuel 18: 5 NKJV
These people heard the king,
but not all obeyed.
But I am not as certain of my plea
as it goes out
among the noise,
the constant battle for their attention
on this sticky, tangled web.
I understand this selfish tug of war...
that David must have battled
as I fight for and against my child.
The fear of success.
The fear of failure.
My child is not human...
the Absalom about which I write.
He is the creation of words you read.
He keeps me up late
and wakes me early.
I pour my life into him,
and yet he mocks me.
He seems to turn on me
when I least expect it.
He causes me the greatest fear and insecurity
and will bring me to deepest grief considering his loss.
He is more of a dream really,
a purpose I feel so deeply.
But he eludes me as often as he finds me.
He loves me and hates me.
He judges me always.
Were you successful today?
Did you achieve,
Are you any closer to your destiny than yesterday?
When I fail it's because I fear.
Is it selfish to want more?
Do promote him, if I believe in him?
Or am I to wait on only God for that?
If I pray for God to grow and give him success,
then power and greatness may follow.
But then more people will expect more...
and the weight will grow heavier.
I may not be able to bear up under it.
What if I fail at success
only to find more judgement?
I fear your death...
I fight and struggle with your life!
Word of God,
train me, today...
to find the balance between pleasing man... even myself, and pleasing You,
to let go of fear... even if it is the death of my dream, and trust You with my life.
that round and round I go.
The battle within my mind.
Tells me I'm never enough,
tells me that one day I will be...
but no, I'm not.
No, never enough!
I want to get off
So I will rather call unto You...
the Psalm of David,
Lord, how they have increased who trouble me!
Many are they who rise up against me.
Many are they who say of me,
“There is no help for him in God.”
("they" are my own thoughts)
But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
I cried to the Lord with my voice,
And He heard me from His holy hill.
I lay down and slept;
I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.
Psalm 3:1-5 NKJV
I will try again tomorrow.
Check out more: